You may have noticed that it’s been a while since my last blog post, and there is a reason for that. My involuntary blogging hiatus started rather abruptly when I realized I have been struggling with a lot of things related to my blog. This post has been a long time coming because I have been struggling with whether or not to share this. I worried that it would seem random. I worried that it wouldn’t fit into my feed or with my “brand.” I worried about being vulnerable. After all, it’s hard to put yourself out there—especially to the world wide web, but it has still been weighing on my heart to share this with you. Maybe you have experienced this recently. Maybe you have been feeling this way too. Maybe you need to hear these words more than I need to express them.
To put some of my struggles into perspective, I feel like I need to share the back story with you, so bear with me as this post may be a bit lengthy, but will help you understand not only where I’m coming from, but will hopefully help you realize you’re not alone in your feelings too.
There it was. The email I had been (impatiently) waiting for for weeks. The email that I hoped would help me feel accomplished, included, successful-- like I finally made it and my efforts weren't in vain. It was a typical workday, and I was sitting at my desk when I heard the familiar sound from my phone that I had received an email. I opened my phone, saw the email notification, then saw who the latest message was from. My heart was pounding as I opened the email to read the contents inside. I got past the first sentence, and my heart dropped. Another rejection.
Then, like a flash flood, a million thoughts started rushing through my head. I thought to myself, “Why not me? Why can’t I have what they have? What do they have to offer that I don’t? What’s wrong with me? I thought I was doing so much better. I thought surely this time it would work out.” and on, and on, and on. I didn’t want this one email to have such a huge, negative impact on me. I didn’t want it to ruin my day. I didn’t want it to ruin my week. I didn’t want to be upset about it. I didn’t want it to consume my thoughts, but it did. I tried to brush it off. I tried to think nothing of it. I tried to stay positive and move on, but the more I buried it, the more it affected me. On the outside, everything was “fine.” On the inside, I was hurt, sad, angry, jealous, envious, all from the contents of one email.
What finally brought this to a head happened a few days later when I was sitting at home with my sweet husband one evening relaxing on the couch, likely watching Netflix, when he asked me what was wrong. I claimed, “Nothing,” but he knew something was off. He said lately it seemed like I was unhappy, or jealous, or something. It wasn’t until a few weeks after that, that I realized he was right. I got home from work that day, sat down on my couch, thought about all of these things and feelings that had been swirling around in my head for weeks, and began to cry. When he came home, he saw that I was upset, and asked what had happened? I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to admit the real reason I had been feeling and acting the way that I had. It sounded so dumb to me when I said it out loud, but it had to be said. So, I told him the whole story of what happened and how I had been feeling. I told him I was unhappy. I was jealous. I told him how frustrating it was to set a goal, to work so hard towards something everyday and to constantly try to better myself, to devote so much extra time to achieve this goal, only to be rejected yet another time. He said he thought I did it because I enjoyed it, and I told him I used to, but I wasn’t sure if it was worth it anymore. I thought I could be doing other more important things with my time. Then, he stopped me in my tracks when he said, “If you don’t enjoy it now, you’re not going to enjoy it when it’s bigger and a lot more work.” Bullseye.
He was right again. Something that I used to enjoy and have fun doing became this heavy burden that inevitably consumed all of my thoughts and controlled my emotions because I fell into the trap of comparison and was seeking affirmation from a worldly thing. I thought about quitting altogether, but decided against it, and decided to take a small hiatus instead.
During my time away, I realized several things. I realized that while I still had great ideas, the reason why I lacked the motivation was deeply rooted in the pain of this rejection. I realized I was seeking affirmation from achieving this goal. I was seeking affirmation from the number of followers or views I have. I was looking for joy in the outside world when, as a believer, I know the only one who can truly satisfy my yearning heart and bring feelings of worthiness and joy no matter the situation or season, is Jesus. I was putting all of my efforts and emotions into obtaining my desires first, only to be inevitably let down. Once I came to this most important realization and set my priorities straight, I realized I did still enjoy this, and I shouldn’t let one email and a rejection dictate my passions. After all, there is a time and a season for everything, and maybe this wasn’t the right timing. Maybe that wasn’t what God had in mind for me. Maybe it is more important to have these experiences and to have the courage to be vulnerable and to share these struggles, to offer friendly advice, and a safe place to talk about these things. So that’s what I am doing today. This post is just the first in a series of what I hope to call “Little Bitty (Life) Lessons” (or something like that.) If the things that I have learned and experienced in my life can help someone else navigate similar difficult times or decisions, then I want to do that.
Maybe you have felt the sting of rejection recently too by a job opportunity, by a new relationship, or by a group of people or an individual. Maybe you, too, have fallen into the trap of comparison and have been searching for affirmation in places that leave you feeling alone, unloved, or unworthy. I’m here to tell you from recent experience that you shouldn’t give up on your passions because God sets those passions in our hearts for a reason, and more importantly, to never let a person or a thing become your “idol” because all of the striving in the world won’t satisfy you and won’t bring you true joy. If you have any thoughts or comments, please share them with me below. I’d love to hear from you.
THANK YOU all for your patience with me during this season. It feels so good to finally get this off my chest, and to clear the air so that I can share all of the new ideas that I have with you! Exciting changes, new collaborations, and more fun posts are on the way very soon. Stay tuned!
Little bitty love,